So a little more about me. I have been overweight most of my life, not like significantly but I feel like I have always had 10-30 pounds more weight on my frame than my friends. It also doesn't help that most of the people I hung out with growing up were sticks and possibly underweight so in comparison I seemed even bigger. And still to this day I have conversations with a girl at work who is significantly shorter and smaller than me, and her overweight weight is pretty much my goal weight. I guess everyone has body issues, I think she looks great, and she would be quick to say the same about me, but I know all my flaws without even looking.
So I guess if I could get to a place where I just felt good about myself. I know I will have to work darn hard at it, but I have done it in the past. In college I started my sophomore year at 130 and I was so happy in my skin. I worked hard over that summer and lost the freshmen 15 and then some so I know I am capable of hard work. I also know I can squeeze into a size six, which is really my goal. I know in my brain that the size doesn't matter as long as you look nice and feel healthy, but it is a mental thing I either need to accomplish work though at this point. That is what I am aiming for.
I think I have a distorted vision of my body. I never can tell how big I am compared to other people. I will think I am roughly the same size as someone and I will be told, no they are bigger than you, but I just don't see it. I feel like when I look at my arms and legs they sometimes look alright but when I look at them all together in the mirror they are much bigger.
They say you fear the things you want most, and I have always wanted to feel thin, so maybe I am scared of it. Why though... why would I be so scared of the things I desire. Maybe I have a certain level of self loathing that won't allow it.
I went out to dinner with friends last night instead of making my tilapia tacos. I had gone to the gym long and hard and then had this moment of, I will have the entire month of April to make fish tacos... the avocados will hold another day, go enjoy yourself. So I did. Maybe my self loathing is what undermines my determination. Anyway I went and got a salad and Chicken Pad Thai.. and it was delicious. I enjoyed all that I could finish. I track my calories on my phone app and it said I still had three hundred calories ( I spent over an hour at the gym so I burned off pretty much everything I had eaten during the day) So I got a beer too. 1 bud light. and I felt SOOOOO guilty. I know I need to give up alcohol to lose weight, but I guess it was a bon voyage to the stuff. So I savored it as I won't really have an opportunity to drink another one before Monday.
I came home and in a moment of weakness I ate a 100 calorie skinny cow chocolate ice cream bar. Proof alcohol makes you make bad choices. ( well not too bad) so I over slept this morning super late ... It was afternoon after all... and I went to the scale... and I was at 162. Go figure. I am keeping healthy today to try to maintain it, but I suppose your body wants you to have fun, in moderation.
Ah Moderation... that is going to be a lesson I have to learn over and over again I am sure.
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