Beach trip...part 1

Just got back from a 3 day va-cay at the beach with my sorority sisters. It was so much fun, but the voice in my head would not shut up.

I compared myself to the vast majority of my healthy happy sorority sisters with husbands, and houses and cute families. I just feel like I am missing out, or maybe I am not, but it is hard not to be a bit envious of their lives. I know they have problems too though, so I can't ever be mad or angry, I just wish I could eat how they eat and not gain weight, or have ridiculously nice legs in spite of never working out, because I work out like a beast and barely make a dent in my thighs. Though I did clean up pretty nicely for our dinner out at Margaritaville!

I know I ate and drank so badly this weekend though, and alot of the progress I had made before I hit my plateau is gone now. I gained while on vacation, it is hard not to. I can be on my schedule at home and not veer from it, but traveling does not always allow for perfect paleo meals and I kind of ate a snickers just because I really freaking wanted one after swimming in the ocean, I apparently had not burned as many calories walking on the beach as I would have liked, but I suppose I am my own worst critic. I just felt bigger than the other girls, but we are all such different heights and shapes I should not compare myself so much. It is hard not to though.

Well I am back home now, so I am back on track. We shall see how this goes...until saturday when I head out to a different beach, with my family for a week... and stephanie :-)

back on the wagon

Last night was the retirement dinner for my boss at the fanciest restaurant in Raleigh. We got all gussied up to celebrate. I went off diet alot, but only because the wine was free. Cost is a good way to keep me on the healthy plan, but when wine is free I can hurl myself off the wagon like nobody's buisness.

I wore a dress that previously didn't fit, but does now. Granted I had to pull myself out of it after the fantstic dinner.

Today I will remain back on track. We have all kinds of pastries, but I ate my hard bolied egg for breakfast. Back on track. Since I don't have a ton of money my beach trip this weekend will probably not allow for such fooling around with alcohol. That is my one demon. I need to put him to rest.

Plateau

I feel like I always end up stagnant. I get to a certain place in my success and then I just stop, not just in weight loss but in life.

I can get to a certain point and then it is like my brain shuts off, or my heart stops caring and I give up and retreat into myself and thats just the end.

I don't know if I am scared, or exhausted, or just following the wrong path, but I always end up in the same place.

My weight loss has plateaued for the last week, and I am not happy about it. It is super easy to stick with a diet when you see results on the scale, when your pants go down a size. But when its the same number for a full week, even after cheating a bit, and then going full force back into the diet, and cutting out your favorite diet coke for two days... it makes it hard to feel the fever to keep going.

I guess every diet gets to the point that is just not as fun, but I hate that I hit mine so soon. I am going to keep going, but i am nervous as I am going out of town with people who are not eating paleo, and when I am away from my house, and my schedule, it is hard to stick to healthy. I am going to try though. I don't want to gain weight. I will be at the beach with a bunch of skinny married girls, so I know already the voices in my head will be talking down to me.  Hanging out with my old sorority sisters should be stressful or painful. But part of me has a hard time adjusting to change. I like to be in control of things, and this is a situation that I will not have full control over. I am just going to try to enjoy myself, and enjoy the time with my friends. Alcohol is probably going to be present, but I will try not to drink my weight in beer.

I am actually excited to go to the beach with my family and stephanie the week after because stephanie will be there, and will be continuing her whole 30 (40) so she will be a good gague if I am getting off course, and as always it is easier to eat healthy when everyone around you is. I will definitely try to be there for her, and support her. She is doing such a good job. Maybe I should just get off the scale for a while.

It just makes me angry that I did everything perfect yesterday and I didn't even shed .1 of a pound. I have to bust through the plateau.

Better in time.

May is really a stressful time for me. I mean, it is my favorite time of year, but really a lot of factors all happen at the same time, so it can be positively stressful.

First stressor - work, this is when I have to start meeting deadlines for work, and things must be done... must be as in if not, I can pack my things in a box to go look for a new job. This has admittedly been a bad year for my work ethic as I have had many set backs, and interruptions on my normally precise work flow.

Second stressor - Money, I somehow thought it was a great idea to buy both a car and house for my birth month so all my major bills like car insurance, home insurance, home warranty and such come due this month. Financially I try to save all year, but seeing such HUGE chuncks fly out of my accounts can put a damper on other vacation plans.

Third Stressor - Emotional, This time last year I was going through the very end of a very sad breakup, My birthday always leaves me a bit sad too. I just had alot of greif that I had not really dealt with over the last year come crashing on me last month. I think I did a much better job of dealing this year than last year, but certain times I have to admit, my heart hurt. It was broken, and I earned the scars. I am also starting to notice that I don't enjoy my birthdays as much. As I get older it is just another reminder that I am not yet where I want to be which leads to the....

Fourth Stressor- My own expectations. I plan how things will go in my head, and they never end up that way in real life. I have such high hopes and dreams, and yet I find on a daily basis I have no idea how to go about achieving them.  My weight loss has been the main focus as of late, and I am doing fairly well. This lifestyle is easy to go with, and I am feeling much healthier. I think I am going to join a dating service. So many nights alone at home with my cat make me so lonely. I miss having a boy perspective too.

So I made it through May. June is hard too but not so much. July will be filled with work. I just have to keep going and try to enjoy each day as much as I can. Things will fall into place when the time is right. I need to keep my happy mantras going!  I feel much more positive now than I did a week ago. Amazing what a new month can bring.