Emotional wreck.

Pretty much describes my state of mind this and last week.

I have been upset over alot of things. I lost it last night, over all things, a little cat puke.

Now I love my cat, don't get me wrong, but just a tiny smidge of cat puke was enough to send me into the deepest rage/depression I have experienced in a long time.

I was fine till I saw it, and then BAM... I just lost control... I was literally screaming at my poor cat, ( who was hiding behind said pukey couch). I guess the weight of stress at work, stress with friends, hurt feelings and insecurities were made to topple over with the slightest hint of cat puke on a blanket on my new couch.

"This is why I don't have nice things, You ruin everything, You just treat my stuff like trash, like garbage, why can't you puke on the floor so it is easy to clean up, You will never sit on the couch again, " not that my cat had any idea what I was saying... I started to clean up the vomit, but as it was fresh and I have an extreme dislike for it, I started coughing and gagging from the smell, I could not even clean up this stupid cat puke... I felt bad, felt awful in fact, and out of control so I ended up bursting into tears. I hate crying. It makes me feel pathetic and weak.

I went out of the room and sat on my stairs for probably 10 minutes and just sobbed. Sobbed for so many things that I have not let myself think or feel in the last few months. It all just came out. I guess I was not as in touch with myself as I thought.

I try to be positive and happy, but when I don't actually feel that way I fake it, but I never really make it.  At least nobody saw.

I am planning on using this weekend to tend to myself, and my emotions. When they build up they just render me useless.

Ups and downs.

Weight fluctuations are normal I know. But it still stings a little. I have hit a plateau and I know why. Though I have been doing paleo 80/20 pretty consistently ( lets not talk about that entire waffle I ate at 3am monday morning) it is my drinking that gets me in trouble.

For Memorial Day, I of course get invited to a BBQ and a birthday... and drinking is not required (clearly because my girl Stephanie at http://baconsmile.wordpress.com/ managed to NOT drink, and she even admitted that she had a good time.) But I struggle.

I have a hard time not drinking when everyone around me is. I don't know if it is me trying to ease my social anxiety or trying to fit in, or just wanting to join the fun, but I have a tendency to over indulge, ( sorry to the 8 people I tried to get to come pick me up over text, and the mean names I called half of you.... oops) But then one bad decision leads to another... I ended up at waffle house with an actual waffle, and butter, and syrup and some other foods that were certainly paleo, but not exactly what I should have been eating after carbo beer loading for 6 hours.

And then comes the scale. I avoided it Monday, because honestly I didn't want to know, but today I considered the "beginning" of my week even though it was just Tuesday, and it was not pretty. I was back up to 155, but this is also in part because friday night I also went out and drank, and ate non- 80/20.

I am feeling the need to have a perfect week. No more birthdays, not more beer out, just healthy diet, exercise and some quality time with myself. Can you do a Whole7? That might be where I start.

I find the more I am  busy busy busy, and out I get into a bad frame of mind. I am not sure why, perhaps I truly am an introvert at heart. Being social does tend to wear me out.

I went swimming at my pool for the first time in several years this memorial day, if Stephanie had not pushed it I would not have gone on my own (clearly, I have been living in my townhouse for over a year and this was my first time at the pool that I pay dues each month to maintain) But that being said. I did enjoy it. I was not totally happy with my body, fat and pale as i was reminded about 18 times ( ugh drunk matt) but aside from that, I really liked being in the water. I liked the smell of the chlorine, and feeling weightless, and swirling around in the 8 foot area. It wasn't too crowded so I wasn't too self conscious, but my low self esteem for my weight has stopped me from going out there. It is kind of close to my worst nightmare to be out in a bathing suit for all to see, but it really was not so bad.

I woke up this morning, angry. I was really angry, and honestly I still am. When I have time to think about things, I beat myself up for not standing up for myself sometimes, espeically when my feelings are hurt. I hate to feel weak and sensitive, so I try to avoid it, but I need to stop taking crap from people. That's another thing I struggle with.

Lots has been going on, and stress at work today is not really helping. I might have to go all hermit for a few days, just to get into a better frame of mind.  I hate negativity. I just want positive things in my life, and that has to start with me and my choices. so this week I am choosing to be happy and healthy. We shall see.

Too many cookie cakes.

My best girl right now is living the Paleo WHOLE30... and I capitalize it because it really is 30 days of whole eating. There is no free meal or free day. She is being such a champ and sticking with it too! I am contemplating it. I need to rid myself of lots of toxins. I have been eating fewer carbs and when I do eat them, I have fruit, and I can really tell a difference in how I feel.

I had chicken, brussel sprouts and an orange for lunch and I am much more satisfied then I was yesterday. Yesterday was my birthday and I had so much cookie cake, like a ridiculous amount of cookie cake... and yes, this was 29, the last year of my twenties, but I went to bed last night feeling awful. I had not had carbs like that in a long time, and they didn't sit very well. I have been trying to do Paleo 80/20... I make a few exceptions each day, but for the most part I try to do paleo. I am slowly working my way to the Whole 30.

Stephanie is so brave, she is making so many changes all at once, I feel super overwhelmed by change and the minute you tell me I can't have something I fixate on it, and then end up eating a cookie cake... see my meals from yesterday... but I woke up feeling sick today too, and as I got up early to make myself get on the treadmill for a bit, i decided in a way that cookie cake was not worth the hassel. I had trouble falling asleep, and woke up several times. My stomach felt icky and bloated.

Just having my normal 80/20 paleo meals today has made such a difference in how I feel. Not only am I losing weight ( 153 this morning - down from a high of 166, 13 pounds Heck yes!)

I just feel better, healthier. I want to feel this way all the time. I wish my headcold that I have been sporting since Boone would go away, then I would really be able to pick back up with my 5K training, which has fallen to the wayside since I can't breathe out of my nose.

I am getting ready to change into my gym clothes, and work out for a bit. I have been doing slighly less intense workouts, but still having beneficial results, so I am going to push when I need to to bust some plateaus, but that has not really happened yet.

I want to be at 145 by June 14th, that is 22 days from now... almost three weeks. 8 pounds in about a month... hopefully I can do it.

Proof that work loves me, this was two of the three cookie cakes they gave me, and don't forget the banana nutella cupcakes jody made too.. Ohhh goodness no wonder I felt bad. I also had bread with my steak at outback with my parents.  A lovely birthday was had, but no more carbs for a while, unless I can get a beer or maybe a nice glass of wine... I like to drink my carbs... I am going to have to work on that too! Here is to a healthy memorial day weekend. Burger, no bun... yes please.

reflection

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that next year this time I will be 30. I don't feel it, and don't really look it, but there are times when I feel my old age creeping up on me.
Had my birthday party on saturday, and I had an amazing time, I was really sad the next day though. This time of year is hard for me. Last year this time was the lowest I have ever been. I feel like I have come a long way, but there are still things in my life I have a hard time getting right. My weight is one of them. I remember trying so hard to lose weight this time last year, and it was just not happening. I feel like that was mostly because I was depressed, eating my feelings and not sleeping well. But this year, I realized I looked around the room at my party, and the majority of the people there were people I had met in the last year. These amazing people, who had come into my life on a whim, were filling my home with love and well wishes, and the part that was even better, was that the friendships from so long ago were there too.  Old friendships I thought I had lost were back, and though they are not the same ( because you never are) they are still there, and still strong.
I thought I lost everything, but really I have gained so much. I feel like I am really living. I am not scared to make new friends. I embrace them.

I prayed and prayed last year that I would be in a much different place on my birthday the next year, and I am... and you know what, Odd years tend to be the best anyway. So Cheers to age 29, I have earned it.

Weight Update

I am now down to 153 pounds, and I am barely even trying. I am currently doing about 80/20 paleo and it seems to really be working. I am also getting lots of exercise (although with this head cold I may take today off)  Tons of veggies and running, who knew! not me apparently.

I wore a size 8 today, which Was loose, I doubt I am in a size six yet, as I am fairly sure I streched these size 8 pants out when I was really a size 10, but I am happy with any results up to this point.

I am going to go to the grocery store as soon as I get paid and stock up on more meat, and possibly start using a locally grown vegetable delivery service, to see if I can cut back on those pricey organic veggies I get at the store. It is 20 bucks a week for a small box, and that might just be the ticket to a more healthy lifestyle. I have a friend at work who uses them, and she loves the quality and variety of produce they give her. I could also get meat through this company, but I prefer to use my VIC card for that. Also I have found that Kroger has excellent sales on meat if you catch the manager special and cook it that night ( because it tend to be the meat that may expire soon) But I am okay with that to get two steaks for two dollars... that is right you heard me, two delicious steaks for two dollars, throw in some Brussels sprouts and cauliflower and we are in business!

I do get calcium because I eat Greek yogurt every morning, and I will allow myself some whole grain toast occasionally! I do eat carbs, just healthy whole grain, not white processed gook!

I am loving the weight loss. Here is to sticking with this diet! I am barely even hungry when I get steak for lunch!

Feeling sick

I went to visit family this weekend, and now I have the worst head cold known to man. I think that little cutie from the last entry who sneezed in my face 8 times had something to do with it. Oh well, if you can't share some germs with family who can you share them with?

I am sticking to the over the counter drugs and it seems to be keeping the issues at bay. The only thing that is the problem is all my stress at work. I again have to cover for our receptionist who is constantly taking time off. I don't even understand how she has any time to take, because according to my calculations she should be in the negative. Ugh. I wish she would just come to work. I have stuff I HAVE to do, I am on a deadline and I do not get lots of work done when I am constantly interrupted by the phone. I am not going to touch the e-mail and leave her tons of work for Monday. She can see what it feels like to catch up. It is not my problem. I will do the bare minimum and complete my job first. I am so close to being finished, and she just ruined any chance I had of getting ahead in my work, so screw her.

Stress is going to make me sicker, so now I get to go updated my calender to reflect even more time that she has taken off. I hate being the backup for her, it never ceases to screw me over.

Ok Deep breath, I have to work through my lunch today so I can make headway on my files.

Happy Birthday Babies.

I have two twin nephews, and they are probably the coolest babies I know, although I am starting to feel old because they DO NOT seem like babies anymore, in fact this past weekend they turned two.  I can't believe two years have gone by, I can't imagine life without them. I don't know what we used to do on trips to see my sister and brother in law before changing dipers, refilling sippy cups and reading tiny cardboard books over and over to the cutest grins this side of the Appalachian Mountains.

I was proud of my sister, she kept is simple with just family and pizza, but ohhh dear I have a hard time keeping a healthy diet up there, they want to treat us because we are family so we ate out alot, and had bad food to boot. Thankfully my sister made delicious salad to go with the pizza, so I ate one of those first before I dug into the veggie pizza she ordered for my mom and I (the rest of the family are big meat lovers)

So I was nervous to say the least to weigh in when I got home, but I  guess I did okay because I lost a pound and I plan to keep on trucking. 155. I have lost 11 pounds! (and I really don't deserve the last pound, but I will certainly take it!)

We are leaving for the Beach for a week June 22nd, so my goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before we go. I think 10 pounds in 6 weeks is doable. My sister and I are going to be involved in some heavy competitition ( or not really) but we are going to try to motivate each other to work out and make healthy choices! I will try to text her two or three times a week, not as stringent as the game on diet, but it is good to have people working with you. She had twin boys and is still trying to shed the weight, but I can see why she struggles, because I would much rather have fun with this cutie than go to the gym for an hour. She is a great mom! (and my brother in law is a great dad!)

Me with my nephew Brock! I love the rocking the "Kid as shield for big thighs" pose!