Emotional wreck.

Pretty much describes my state of mind this and last week.

I have been upset over alot of things. I lost it last night, over all things, a little cat puke.

Now I love my cat, don't get me wrong, but just a tiny smidge of cat puke was enough to send me into the deepest rage/depression I have experienced in a long time.

I was fine till I saw it, and then BAM... I just lost control... I was literally screaming at my poor cat, ( who was hiding behind said pukey couch). I guess the weight of stress at work, stress with friends, hurt feelings and insecurities were made to topple over with the slightest hint of cat puke on a blanket on my new couch.

"This is why I don't have nice things, You ruin everything, You just treat my stuff like trash, like garbage, why can't you puke on the floor so it is easy to clean up, You will never sit on the couch again, " not that my cat had any idea what I was saying... I started to clean up the vomit, but as it was fresh and I have an extreme dislike for it, I started coughing and gagging from the smell, I could not even clean up this stupid cat puke... I felt bad, felt awful in fact, and out of control so I ended up bursting into tears. I hate crying. It makes me feel pathetic and weak.

I went out of the room and sat on my stairs for probably 10 minutes and just sobbed. Sobbed for so many things that I have not let myself think or feel in the last few months. It all just came out. I guess I was not as in touch with myself as I thought.

I try to be positive and happy, but when I don't actually feel that way I fake it, but I never really make it.  At least nobody saw.

I am planning on using this weekend to tend to myself, and my emotions. When they build up they just render me useless.