Weight fluctuations are normal I know. But it still stings a little. I have hit a plateau and I know why. Though I have been doing paleo 80/20 pretty consistently ( lets not talk about that entire waffle I ate at 3am monday morning) it is my drinking that gets me in trouble.
For Memorial Day, I of course get invited to a BBQ and a birthday... and drinking is not required (clearly because my girl Stephanie at http://baconsmile.wordpress.com/ managed to NOT drink, and she even admitted that she had a good time.) But I struggle.
I have a hard time not drinking when everyone around me is. I don't know if it is me trying to ease my social anxiety or trying to fit in, or just wanting to join the fun, but I have a tendency to over indulge, ( sorry to the 8 people I tried to get to come pick me up over text, and the mean names I called half of you.... oops) But then one bad decision leads to another... I ended up at waffle house with an actual waffle, and butter, and syrup and some other foods that were certainly paleo, but not exactly what I should have been eating after carbo beer loading for 6 hours.
And then comes the scale. I avoided it Monday, because honestly I didn't want to know, but today I considered the "beginning" of my week even though it was just Tuesday, and it was not pretty. I was back up to 155, but this is also in part because friday night I also went out and drank, and ate non- 80/20.
I am feeling the need to have a perfect week. No more birthdays, not more beer out, just healthy diet, exercise and some quality time with myself. Can you do a Whole7? That might be where I start.
I find the more I am busy busy busy, and out I get into a bad frame of mind. I am not sure why, perhaps I truly am an introvert at heart. Being social does tend to wear me out.
I went swimming at my pool for the first time in several years this memorial day, if Stephanie had not pushed it I would not have gone on my own (clearly, I have been living in my townhouse for over a year and this was my first time at the pool that I pay dues each month to maintain) But that being said. I did enjoy it. I was not totally happy with my body, fat and pale as i was reminded about 18 times ( ugh drunk matt) but aside from that, I really liked being in the water. I liked the smell of the chlorine, and feeling weightless, and swirling around in the 8 foot area. It wasn't too crowded so I wasn't too self conscious, but my low self esteem for my weight has stopped me from going out there. It is kind of close to my worst nightmare to be out in a bathing suit for all to see, but it really was not so bad.
I woke up this morning, angry. I was really angry, and honestly I still am. When I have time to think about things, I beat myself up for not standing up for myself sometimes, espeically when my feelings are hurt. I hate to feel weak and sensitive, so I try to avoid it, but I need to stop taking crap from people. That's another thing I struggle with.
Lots has been going on, and stress at work today is not really helping. I might have to go all hermit for a few days, just to get into a better frame of mind. I hate negativity. I just want positive things in my life, and that has to start with me and my choices. so this week I am choosing to be happy and healthy. We shall see.
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