Guilty

Self control sometimes seems like a foreign concept to me. I am selfish by nature, not meaning to be all the time... I mean I love to do things for others, and I volunteer, but at my core, I sometimes feel so selfish.

You would think though, I would not find it so difficult to carve out a space of time for myself, and really take care of myself. It isn't selfless to put yourself last, it's stupid.

Growing up in the south in a Christian home, I was always taught to do things for others. I was taught to hold doors, bring pies to the new neighbors, and to always try to be respectful and helpful to my elders... But what about me.

In all this giving, I sometimes feel guilty because it is not always returned... I know shocker right... we don't live in a perfect universe where people always treat others the way they want to be treated, but don't you have to start treating yourself right first. If you don't treat yourself right, why should anyone else.

They say we are always quick to point out the flaws in other which are really flaws in ourselves... and I know I can pick out my own flaws... But sometimes I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. When I am quick to get judgmental I know I can be a hypocrite sometimes. Maybe not in the same way but in other aspects of my life.

A lot is being asked of me right now... and I have to make a place to still treat myself right. It is a very hard thing to admit you have a problem, and even harder to ask for help, especially when you are used to being the one that others turn to when they have problems. It's an awkward position.

No shoulder to cry on except your own, no ears to listen except for yours, and no point of view to change your mind.

I have to stop feeling guilty for wanting to do things, and not wanting to do things. The close inspection of my life thus far is difficult, but worth doing because clearly what I have been doing has not been working. I fail when I fail to stay true to myself. I just need to stick to what I know works, and do that. Stop trying to let others dictate me. Stop trying to please others and try to please myself for once.

I just ate my free day lunch meal, and it was delicious... but I feel sick now, and I don't know if it is because I really am not adjusting well to the greasy food, or if it is guilt, but it makes me NOT want to do this anymore. I was supposed to enjoy this, and I am not. I am not enjoying it at all.

This is the sign I need and the kick in the stomach ( because it literally feels like I have been kicked in the stomach) to get my life in order. Cut out what I don't want, and include the things that make me happy. I HAVE to do it this time. No turning back. No more mandatory free meals... I should just take them when I crave them, and not when I plan them.