Love yourself and the rest will follow.

I am going to make a success wall. Maybe... I started a project with my teammate for the game on diet, well before we even decided to do this healthy venture.

We made posters that said " Love yourself and the rest will follow" and I really feel like that should be my mantra for 2013. I did not love myself in 2012. In fact it is pretty evident, I didn't love anything about myself in 2012. I really think I forgot how to love. I looked in the mirror and I was angry. I was angry about my failed relationship, I was angry I let myself go towards the end. And I was angry about my life.  I was angry about my father being sick, I was angry that my relationships were not as good as they could be and most of all I was angry at my inability to enjoy life. It was so much anger, and when I left a relationship in June I tried not to look back. I tried to focus on me, which I didn't do at all. I replaced that relationship with new friends, new habits and just about any other distraction out there. I didn't deal with my anger, or my sadness. I didn't want too.

I lost my best friend, and the boy who I thought would be my husband someday in what is possibly the longest break up of all time. I think him finally starting to date another girl right in front of my face was the kicker... and I thought we would get back together, but after one final humiliating "date" with him, his choice was clear, and mine had to be as well. It was hard, even now, almost a year later I still feel that pain behind my eyes and the throb in my neck holding back tears I refuse to cry... at least not cry at work.... on my lunch break.

I do cry though...especially lately. I have been staying in more, to resist temptation... and sitting alone in my house with only my thoughts,  I can release, and I am not ashamed. I do still love him, but I wonder now if I was in love.  I feel like I should have had a successful relationship with someone else by now, but I just can't get past the fact that I just knew he would never hurt me, and he did. But was it really his fault? I stayed. I let him use me, and take me for granted. In reality I hurt me, because I stayed in a relationship that I got nothing out of. I think it was so difficult for me because I truly loved his family so much... but in staying for people who were not in the relationship I hurt me more than he ever did, and that is a hard realization to think about.

Soul Searching hurts man... it hurts bad.

I write in another more personal journal, I did all last summer, but I don't think I faced the facts of the changes I forced upon my own life.

I am trying to change that, one day at a time.