Just when you least expect it....

In the year I was single I cannot tell you how many times I heard some variation of the phrase “the right guy will show up when you least expect it”.  Ok self… just stop looking… yeah that is super easy to do.  I think humans inherently search. Nobody really wants to be alone. I took my time, and tried to fix me. I wanted to be a person I would want to date.  I feel like I put my wants and needs above everything else for a good bit of time… and then Match.com happened. Oh good lord. I want to cancel it right now.

I went on that date with neighbor boy…. And it went fantastic. In fact… it’s is still going fantastic. We started at World of Beer…. Which is my hotspot… I know… The wait staff kept giving me knowing looks since it was my third time there with a new boy in a short week.  He showed up and was not really like the neighbor I remembered. Of course I remembered the skinny kid with harry potter glasses, or the gawky teenage who used to mow my parents lawn when I was home during the summers working my college jobs… I always knew his name, and his mother more so and would always ask how her three boys were… never did I expect to end up on a date with the older of the three. But there I was after accidently hitting on a guy online I said was too young for my age preference, but he responded back… and when I realized I had his number in my phone already since he had taken care of my cat the month before, I almost freaked out and said forget about it. Instead I went with it, asked him for drinks and proceeded to go with it for the entire night. We ended up hitting up more spots in downtown Raleigh and topping the night off at an Irish pub singing karaoke to a terrible 90s song… Tubthumping by chumbawumba… yeah I said Tubthumping. 

It was a great date, and I was honestly not expecting it…

I guess they were right.  

Life in general

I just realized I never updated this thing. July 2nd was the day of my date. It actually went pretty well, or so I thought. This guy was tall, a  pilot which is a super cool job, and he actually held decent conversation and we shared some laughs and a few kisses. Mr. Pilot though is terrible with the follow through, or perhaps completely not interested. I was a bit out there on the first date, which is not my norm. I just felt like I could be myself, which is apparently crazy. I thought things were progressing well, but he totally ignored me saturday which was fine as I was out getting my drinks paid for by a guy I knew from work! Such a good time with him! But things with Mr. Pilot fell apart sunday. I guess I just had my heart on my sleeve, because I was already upset that morning when I get yet another e-mail from my ex. I just wanted something to work out how I wanted. I know I let my ecpectations get the best of me, but all I wanted was for the ex to not be e-mailing me and the Pilot to be texting me, and of course neither really happened. Mr. Pilot did get back to me 9 hours later... which I am sorry I was an idiot and should have taken the hint then, but he acts really sincere, but then totally forgets about me. I can't read him at all. Frances said all pilots are players, and I didn't want to believe this about this guy, but gut is telling me just to let him go. I am a freaking catch, and he doesn't realize that I will chase a bit, but if you blow me off once I won't ever do it again. Learned my lesson... so for the next few dates I am just going to be coy and not wear my heart on my sleeve since it apparently makes me compeltely unattractive. I don't have much hope for him to contact me, although I would probably want to see him again.

So on to date two. I had been talking to Boots for a bit ( hang in there I will tell you why I call him Boots) Even longer than the Pilot, but he just was slower to ask me out. I feel bad because I had been kind of ignoring him since he was not really my type. He and I seriously had nothing in common. But he seemed sweet, and sometimes opposites attract. Well I get to the restaurant, and he is my height. Automatice NOPE. And he was wearing boots with a heel... Even bigger NO. I am seriously 5'3 on a good day and he listed himself as 5'6. apparently 5'6 =5'1 in BOOTS. He was so sweet, but a bit of a stoner, as he informed me about 5 minutes into the date. ugh. Not thanks. I am too old for that crap. Conversation was strained, and every time he said something he liked I hated it and every time he said something he hated I loved it. I knew it was gonna be trouble. Gee you are a fan of Phish and Grateful Dead... I would have never known. Weird thing was, he had the exact same smile as my friends husband, too bad it was located about 3 inches below my own smile. He was asking me all these odd questions about my goals in life, and I said travel, which is true, and then he was trying to get me to talk about how much I wanted a family like him, which is true... but not now. I think this kid just wanted me to push out a few midget babies after the date! I mean I want a family someday, but I want to see the world first, I love meeting new people, and trying new things. I am far to selfish to have kids right now. I want to spend my money on pedicures and flights to NYC, not bibs and diapers.

Well that said, these past few weeks, my diet has gone to hell, but the nervous energy of going out on dates made me kick it up a notch at the gym... and I have actually busted through my plateau.

So I do have a third date set up for the 12th, but I will update that later... I will name this one, Neighbor Boy, as I apparently have been paying match tons of money to hook me up with someone I already knew! Go figure.

Spaghetti Squash

So I spent the last week hanging out at the beach and eating paleo, and as expected I lost weight. even with my one "treat" day where I had a meal with fried shrimp and an fruity cocktail drink.  I brought home a few recipies that Stephanie and I made while at the beach and after 45 minutes at 375 degress in the oven I have enough spaghetti squash to last me the next month I swear. Well maybe not a month but at least a good week and a half. I not kidding.

Today I feel like crap because I went against my better judgement and had two slices of pizza today, so now my body is like, WHAAAAAT??!?!??! I am supposed to go out for drinks tonight but we shall see how many I actually do. Not sure that I am going to be super up for it as my stomach currently hates me at the moment but I am sure that is a combination of carbs and nervous energy.

Work is not stressing me out, but my right leg hurts a bit after three rounds of bowling last night. I pretty much got wiped on the floor, but I am not super competitive when it comes to bowling so I didn't much care.

We shall see how I feel tonight. Ugh.

Beach trip...part 1

Just got back from a 3 day va-cay at the beach with my sorority sisters. It was so much fun, but the voice in my head would not shut up.

I compared myself to the vast majority of my healthy happy sorority sisters with husbands, and houses and cute families. I just feel like I am missing out, or maybe I am not, but it is hard not to be a bit envious of their lives. I know they have problems too though, so I can't ever be mad or angry, I just wish I could eat how they eat and not gain weight, or have ridiculously nice legs in spite of never working out, because I work out like a beast and barely make a dent in my thighs. Though I did clean up pretty nicely for our dinner out at Margaritaville!

I know I ate and drank so badly this weekend though, and alot of the progress I had made before I hit my plateau is gone now. I gained while on vacation, it is hard not to. I can be on my schedule at home and not veer from it, but traveling does not always allow for perfect paleo meals and I kind of ate a snickers just because I really freaking wanted one after swimming in the ocean, I apparently had not burned as many calories walking on the beach as I would have liked, but I suppose I am my own worst critic. I just felt bigger than the other girls, but we are all such different heights and shapes I should not compare myself so much. It is hard not to though.

Well I am back home now, so I am back on track. We shall see how this goes...until saturday when I head out to a different beach, with my family for a week... and stephanie :-)

back on the wagon

Last night was the retirement dinner for my boss at the fanciest restaurant in Raleigh. We got all gussied up to celebrate. I went off diet alot, but only because the wine was free. Cost is a good way to keep me on the healthy plan, but when wine is free I can hurl myself off the wagon like nobody's buisness.

I wore a dress that previously didn't fit, but does now. Granted I had to pull myself out of it after the fantstic dinner.

Today I will remain back on track. We have all kinds of pastries, but I ate my hard bolied egg for breakfast. Back on track. Since I don't have a ton of money my beach trip this weekend will probably not allow for such fooling around with alcohol. That is my one demon. I need to put him to rest.

Plateau

I feel like I always end up stagnant. I get to a certain place in my success and then I just stop, not just in weight loss but in life.

I can get to a certain point and then it is like my brain shuts off, or my heart stops caring and I give up and retreat into myself and thats just the end.

I don't know if I am scared, or exhausted, or just following the wrong path, but I always end up in the same place.

My weight loss has plateaued for the last week, and I am not happy about it. It is super easy to stick with a diet when you see results on the scale, when your pants go down a size. But when its the same number for a full week, even after cheating a bit, and then going full force back into the diet, and cutting out your favorite diet coke for two days... it makes it hard to feel the fever to keep going.

I guess every diet gets to the point that is just not as fun, but I hate that I hit mine so soon. I am going to keep going, but i am nervous as I am going out of town with people who are not eating paleo, and when I am away from my house, and my schedule, it is hard to stick to healthy. I am going to try though. I don't want to gain weight. I will be at the beach with a bunch of skinny married girls, so I know already the voices in my head will be talking down to me.  Hanging out with my old sorority sisters should be stressful or painful. But part of me has a hard time adjusting to change. I like to be in control of things, and this is a situation that I will not have full control over. I am just going to try to enjoy myself, and enjoy the time with my friends. Alcohol is probably going to be present, but I will try not to drink my weight in beer.

I am actually excited to go to the beach with my family and stephanie the week after because stephanie will be there, and will be continuing her whole 30 (40) so she will be a good gague if I am getting off course, and as always it is easier to eat healthy when everyone around you is. I will definitely try to be there for her, and support her. She is doing such a good job. Maybe I should just get off the scale for a while.

It just makes me angry that I did everything perfect yesterday and I didn't even shed .1 of a pound. I have to bust through the plateau.

Better in time.

May is really a stressful time for me. I mean, it is my favorite time of year, but really a lot of factors all happen at the same time, so it can be positively stressful.

First stressor - work, this is when I have to start meeting deadlines for work, and things must be done... must be as in if not, I can pack my things in a box to go look for a new job. This has admittedly been a bad year for my work ethic as I have had many set backs, and interruptions on my normally precise work flow.

Second stressor - Money, I somehow thought it was a great idea to buy both a car and house for my birth month so all my major bills like car insurance, home insurance, home warranty and such come due this month. Financially I try to save all year, but seeing such HUGE chuncks fly out of my accounts can put a damper on other vacation plans.

Third Stressor - Emotional, This time last year I was going through the very end of a very sad breakup, My birthday always leaves me a bit sad too. I just had alot of greif that I had not really dealt with over the last year come crashing on me last month. I think I did a much better job of dealing this year than last year, but certain times I have to admit, my heart hurt. It was broken, and I earned the scars. I am also starting to notice that I don't enjoy my birthdays as much. As I get older it is just another reminder that I am not yet where I want to be which leads to the....

Fourth Stressor- My own expectations. I plan how things will go in my head, and they never end up that way in real life. I have such high hopes and dreams, and yet I find on a daily basis I have no idea how to go about achieving them.  My weight loss has been the main focus as of late, and I am doing fairly well. This lifestyle is easy to go with, and I am feeling much healthier. I think I am going to join a dating service. So many nights alone at home with my cat make me so lonely. I miss having a boy perspective too.

So I made it through May. June is hard too but not so much. July will be filled with work. I just have to keep going and try to enjoy each day as much as I can. Things will fall into place when the time is right. I need to keep my happy mantras going!  I feel much more positive now than I did a week ago. Amazing what a new month can bring.

Emotional wreck.

Pretty much describes my state of mind this and last week.

I have been upset over alot of things. I lost it last night, over all things, a little cat puke.

Now I love my cat, don't get me wrong, but just a tiny smidge of cat puke was enough to send me into the deepest rage/depression I have experienced in a long time.

I was fine till I saw it, and then BAM... I just lost control... I was literally screaming at my poor cat, ( who was hiding behind said pukey couch). I guess the weight of stress at work, stress with friends, hurt feelings and insecurities were made to topple over with the slightest hint of cat puke on a blanket on my new couch.

"This is why I don't have nice things, You ruin everything, You just treat my stuff like trash, like garbage, why can't you puke on the floor so it is easy to clean up, You will never sit on the couch again, " not that my cat had any idea what I was saying... I started to clean up the vomit, but as it was fresh and I have an extreme dislike for it, I started coughing and gagging from the smell, I could not even clean up this stupid cat puke... I felt bad, felt awful in fact, and out of control so I ended up bursting into tears. I hate crying. It makes me feel pathetic and weak.

I went out of the room and sat on my stairs for probably 10 minutes and just sobbed. Sobbed for so many things that I have not let myself think or feel in the last few months. It all just came out. I guess I was not as in touch with myself as I thought.

I try to be positive and happy, but when I don't actually feel that way I fake it, but I never really make it.  At least nobody saw.

I am planning on using this weekend to tend to myself, and my emotions. When they build up they just render me useless.

Ups and downs.

Weight fluctuations are normal I know. But it still stings a little. I have hit a plateau and I know why. Though I have been doing paleo 80/20 pretty consistently ( lets not talk about that entire waffle I ate at 3am monday morning) it is my drinking that gets me in trouble.

For Memorial Day, I of course get invited to a BBQ and a birthday... and drinking is not required (clearly because my girl Stephanie at http://baconsmile.wordpress.com/ managed to NOT drink, and she even admitted that she had a good time.) But I struggle.

I have a hard time not drinking when everyone around me is. I don't know if it is me trying to ease my social anxiety or trying to fit in, or just wanting to join the fun, but I have a tendency to over indulge, ( sorry to the 8 people I tried to get to come pick me up over text, and the mean names I called half of you.... oops) But then one bad decision leads to another... I ended up at waffle house with an actual waffle, and butter, and syrup and some other foods that were certainly paleo, but not exactly what I should have been eating after carbo beer loading for 6 hours.

And then comes the scale. I avoided it Monday, because honestly I didn't want to know, but today I considered the "beginning" of my week even though it was just Tuesday, and it was not pretty. I was back up to 155, but this is also in part because friday night I also went out and drank, and ate non- 80/20.

I am feeling the need to have a perfect week. No more birthdays, not more beer out, just healthy diet, exercise and some quality time with myself. Can you do a Whole7? That might be where I start.

I find the more I am  busy busy busy, and out I get into a bad frame of mind. I am not sure why, perhaps I truly am an introvert at heart. Being social does tend to wear me out.

I went swimming at my pool for the first time in several years this memorial day, if Stephanie had not pushed it I would not have gone on my own (clearly, I have been living in my townhouse for over a year and this was my first time at the pool that I pay dues each month to maintain) But that being said. I did enjoy it. I was not totally happy with my body, fat and pale as i was reminded about 18 times ( ugh drunk matt) but aside from that, I really liked being in the water. I liked the smell of the chlorine, and feeling weightless, and swirling around in the 8 foot area. It wasn't too crowded so I wasn't too self conscious, but my low self esteem for my weight has stopped me from going out there. It is kind of close to my worst nightmare to be out in a bathing suit for all to see, but it really was not so bad.

I woke up this morning, angry. I was really angry, and honestly I still am. When I have time to think about things, I beat myself up for not standing up for myself sometimes, espeically when my feelings are hurt. I hate to feel weak and sensitive, so I try to avoid it, but I need to stop taking crap from people. That's another thing I struggle with.

Lots has been going on, and stress at work today is not really helping. I might have to go all hermit for a few days, just to get into a better frame of mind.  I hate negativity. I just want positive things in my life, and that has to start with me and my choices. so this week I am choosing to be happy and healthy. We shall see.

Too many cookie cakes.

My best girl right now is living the Paleo WHOLE30... and I capitalize it because it really is 30 days of whole eating. There is no free meal or free day. She is being such a champ and sticking with it too! I am contemplating it. I need to rid myself of lots of toxins. I have been eating fewer carbs and when I do eat them, I have fruit, and I can really tell a difference in how I feel.

I had chicken, brussel sprouts and an orange for lunch and I am much more satisfied then I was yesterday. Yesterday was my birthday and I had so much cookie cake, like a ridiculous amount of cookie cake... and yes, this was 29, the last year of my twenties, but I went to bed last night feeling awful. I had not had carbs like that in a long time, and they didn't sit very well. I have been trying to do Paleo 80/20... I make a few exceptions each day, but for the most part I try to do paleo. I am slowly working my way to the Whole 30.

Stephanie is so brave, she is making so many changes all at once, I feel super overwhelmed by change and the minute you tell me I can't have something I fixate on it, and then end up eating a cookie cake... see my meals from yesterday... but I woke up feeling sick today too, and as I got up early to make myself get on the treadmill for a bit, i decided in a way that cookie cake was not worth the hassel. I had trouble falling asleep, and woke up several times. My stomach felt icky and bloated.

Just having my normal 80/20 paleo meals today has made such a difference in how I feel. Not only am I losing weight ( 153 this morning - down from a high of 166, 13 pounds Heck yes!)

I just feel better, healthier. I want to feel this way all the time. I wish my headcold that I have been sporting since Boone would go away, then I would really be able to pick back up with my 5K training, which has fallen to the wayside since I can't breathe out of my nose.

I am getting ready to change into my gym clothes, and work out for a bit. I have been doing slighly less intense workouts, but still having beneficial results, so I am going to push when I need to to bust some plateaus, but that has not really happened yet.

I want to be at 145 by June 14th, that is 22 days from now... almost three weeks. 8 pounds in about a month... hopefully I can do it.

Proof that work loves me, this was two of the three cookie cakes they gave me, and don't forget the banana nutella cupcakes jody made too.. Ohhh goodness no wonder I felt bad. I also had bread with my steak at outback with my parents.  A lovely birthday was had, but no more carbs for a while, unless I can get a beer or maybe a nice glass of wine... I like to drink my carbs... I am going to have to work on that too! Here is to a healthy memorial day weekend. Burger, no bun... yes please.

reflection

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that next year this time I will be 30. I don't feel it, and don't really look it, but there are times when I feel my old age creeping up on me.
Had my birthday party on saturday, and I had an amazing time, I was really sad the next day though. This time of year is hard for me. Last year this time was the lowest I have ever been. I feel like I have come a long way, but there are still things in my life I have a hard time getting right. My weight is one of them. I remember trying so hard to lose weight this time last year, and it was just not happening. I feel like that was mostly because I was depressed, eating my feelings and not sleeping well. But this year, I realized I looked around the room at my party, and the majority of the people there were people I had met in the last year. These amazing people, who had come into my life on a whim, were filling my home with love and well wishes, and the part that was even better, was that the friendships from so long ago were there too.  Old friendships I thought I had lost were back, and though they are not the same ( because you never are) they are still there, and still strong.
I thought I lost everything, but really I have gained so much. I feel like I am really living. I am not scared to make new friends. I embrace them.

I prayed and prayed last year that I would be in a much different place on my birthday the next year, and I am... and you know what, Odd years tend to be the best anyway. So Cheers to age 29, I have earned it.

Weight Update

I am now down to 153 pounds, and I am barely even trying. I am currently doing about 80/20 paleo and it seems to really be working. I am also getting lots of exercise (although with this head cold I may take today off)  Tons of veggies and running, who knew! not me apparently.

I wore a size 8 today, which Was loose, I doubt I am in a size six yet, as I am fairly sure I streched these size 8 pants out when I was really a size 10, but I am happy with any results up to this point.

I am going to go to the grocery store as soon as I get paid and stock up on more meat, and possibly start using a locally grown vegetable delivery service, to see if I can cut back on those pricey organic veggies I get at the store. It is 20 bucks a week for a small box, and that might just be the ticket to a more healthy lifestyle. I have a friend at work who uses them, and she loves the quality and variety of produce they give her. I could also get meat through this company, but I prefer to use my VIC card for that. Also I have found that Kroger has excellent sales on meat if you catch the manager special and cook it that night ( because it tend to be the meat that may expire soon) But I am okay with that to get two steaks for two dollars... that is right you heard me, two delicious steaks for two dollars, throw in some Brussels sprouts and cauliflower and we are in business!

I do get calcium because I eat Greek yogurt every morning, and I will allow myself some whole grain toast occasionally! I do eat carbs, just healthy whole grain, not white processed gook!

I am loving the weight loss. Here is to sticking with this diet! I am barely even hungry when I get steak for lunch!

Feeling sick

I went to visit family this weekend, and now I have the worst head cold known to man. I think that little cutie from the last entry who sneezed in my face 8 times had something to do with it. Oh well, if you can't share some germs with family who can you share them with?

I am sticking to the over the counter drugs and it seems to be keeping the issues at bay. The only thing that is the problem is all my stress at work. I again have to cover for our receptionist who is constantly taking time off. I don't even understand how she has any time to take, because according to my calculations she should be in the negative. Ugh. I wish she would just come to work. I have stuff I HAVE to do, I am on a deadline and I do not get lots of work done when I am constantly interrupted by the phone. I am not going to touch the e-mail and leave her tons of work for Monday. She can see what it feels like to catch up. It is not my problem. I will do the bare minimum and complete my job first. I am so close to being finished, and she just ruined any chance I had of getting ahead in my work, so screw her.

Stress is going to make me sicker, so now I get to go updated my calender to reflect even more time that she has taken off. I hate being the backup for her, it never ceases to screw me over.

Ok Deep breath, I have to work through my lunch today so I can make headway on my files.

Happy Birthday Babies.

I have two twin nephews, and they are probably the coolest babies I know, although I am starting to feel old because they DO NOT seem like babies anymore, in fact this past weekend they turned two.  I can't believe two years have gone by, I can't imagine life without them. I don't know what we used to do on trips to see my sister and brother in law before changing dipers, refilling sippy cups and reading tiny cardboard books over and over to the cutest grins this side of the Appalachian Mountains.

I was proud of my sister, she kept is simple with just family and pizza, but ohhh dear I have a hard time keeping a healthy diet up there, they want to treat us because we are family so we ate out alot, and had bad food to boot. Thankfully my sister made delicious salad to go with the pizza, so I ate one of those first before I dug into the veggie pizza she ordered for my mom and I (the rest of the family are big meat lovers)

So I was nervous to say the least to weigh in when I got home, but I  guess I did okay because I lost a pound and I plan to keep on trucking. 155. I have lost 11 pounds! (and I really don't deserve the last pound, but I will certainly take it!)

We are leaving for the Beach for a week June 22nd, so my goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before we go. I think 10 pounds in 6 weeks is doable. My sister and I are going to be involved in some heavy competitition ( or not really) but we are going to try to motivate each other to work out and make healthy choices! I will try to text her two or three times a week, not as stringent as the game on diet, but it is good to have people working with you. She had twin boys and is still trying to shed the weight, but I can see why she struggles, because I would much rather have fun with this cutie than go to the gym for an hour. She is a great mom! (and my brother in law is a great dad!)

Me with my nephew Brock! I love the rocking the "Kid as shield for big thighs" pose!

Obligation

So even though the game on diet is over, I am still going to try to keep up with this blog. I took a day off from Journals yesterday ( mostly because I was busy and had to go to have emergency dental work done when the retainer that is glued behind my teeth came unglued!) but I am still working on weight loss.

I don't suppose this blog will ever really catch on, as it is just for me, but I think I am ok with that.

I need an outlet to talk about stresses, and have some self examination. I am not obligated to the Blogworld, but I am obligated to take care of myself. I only have one body.

Final Diet weigh in 157 down from 166. Not too Shabby! Almost 10 pound in a month. I can keep this up. I can keep going. I have to. I am not happy right now, but I am happy about the positive changes that I am making in my life.

I will get there, maybe when I hit 140 I will get back on Okcupid. for now I am so busy, and tired and stressed I can't make myself do something I don't want to do. And Maybe I am meant to be alone for some time... probably for the best.

I worry though, I worry I will never get married and have a family, which is all I have ever really wanted, but I need to be with someone who can help support me, and who can take care of himself. I need a strong Christian man who is going to take leadership. I want for so many things, and I know in my heart I won't settle. I suppose if I don't have a family I will make due, but I know God would not put it in my heart if he didn't have great plans for me. I will work hard to love myself, and know He loves me... and the rest will simply have to fall into place. There is only so much I can do.

I saw the movie Yes Man, and Bruce Almighty this week.. two Hilarious Jim Carey Movies, both have specific meaning to me.

Bruce Almighty in that God Knows us, and loves us and when we follow his plan for us, good thing happen, better than what we would provide for ourselves... and Yes Man, in that being open to opportunity can make your life more full... so I am going to plug along, and go out with as many new people, and try new experiences... and try to live a more Christian existence. I won't worry, because tomorrow will have a whole new set of worries.

3 more days.

Talking with my teammate on the phone last night, she is planning to dive head first into a new diet plan. She is going to start the paleo diet. I am just not a fan of banning entire food groups, especially ones that I do on occasion enjoy. No Sugar or carbs... seems difficult to enjoy life. I feel like deprivation of any kind is bad. If you are CRAVING chocolate, no amount of meat, or veggie is going to fill that void.

I like the game on diet, because you can have a BITE of cake at the office party, and it won't kill you, but I still feel like you can eat carbs, as long as they are whole grain and you make healthy choices alongside it...

if you always eat cake in mass quantities, yes that is bad, but if you eliminate cake from your diet entirely that is going to make you splurge when the opportunity arises. You have to treat yourself now and then. I get that a healthy diet makes you feel better, but sometime just sharing time with friends at a birthday is treating your mind well.  But to know, yes I can have a bite, not a whole cake, that is healthier than , I can't have sugar, or cake that is important to me.

it's all about healthy choices at the end of the day. If you know you have a party on Saturday, do an extra long workout on Friday or Sunday. Make it a point to eat healthy prior to going to the party. Plan ahead and compensate for it in the rest of your week. I am all about striving for health, not trying for perfection.

I know me and I know I am a sucker for peer pressure, but if everyone is eating pizza, I may want a slice, but I have to keep it to one slice, and pick the healthy veggie option, maybe leave some crust on my plate, or just enjoy the whole slice and make it point to go to the gym and eat a salad for dinner that night.

I just am really not a fan of cutting out entire food groups.
There are only three more days of the diet, but I plan on continuing the route. It is healthy, It is helping and I am happy!

No Patience

I just don't give a crap today. Thats right... you heard me. I am sick of people complaining about stupid crap. I just want to tell people all the way off today. granted I won't because I need my job to pay my mortgage, but I HATE... do you hear me HATE applicants that feel it is their duty to go ABOVE my head over STUPID CRAP. STUPID CRAP.

You want to know why you have not received a letter.. BECAUSE I HAVE OVER 300 FILES and your file HAPPENS to be on the bottom, which I cannot get to because you call CONSTANTLY wasting my time wanting to know where your letter is. I am not moving your file up to make you feel special because you have anxiety issues and can't let me do my job. Not my problem. Don't like it, withdraw and apply in another state. I don't care. Don't call my boss and ask HIM why you have not heard anything, because he is going to tell me to send you an e-mail ( LIKE I ALREADY HAVE, TWICE) to tell you that I have not had time to start your file...which will waste even more of my time...further delaying me from getting to your file.
UGH

So angry today. I just want to go to the gym, and PUNCH THINGS. at least I don't want to eat things right.... stress management... Maybe I will go outside and walk for a bit to cool down.

I am already agitated because someone at work whom I have to cover for is leaving for vacation time 1 hour early today... again, someone else who likes to waste my time so I cannot do my job.

I fricken hate people.

Where is that punching bag again... oh wait... its me.

Trying something new.

So last night was my free meal on the game on diet. I went out with friends, and even though I had eaten healthy all day I still felt major guilt by going for a decadent meal.

I ended up getting Buffalo chicken pizza ( a 9 inch personal pizza) because I apparently wanted nothing more than to carbo load yesterday night, and shared a desert with my teammate. It was a Krispy kreme donut with ice cream. It was not as delicious as I had hoped, so I let my friend eat more of it. But coming home, I knew it was a bad idea, as the stomach ache set in, and I felt gross. It was late though and I didn't feel like doing a workout so I just went to bed early. I set the alarm extra early so I would get up before my normal hour, and I got on my treadmill and did over a mile. Granted it was not a fast mile, but I ran for a few minutes, walked some and then ran for a little more. I am scared to weigh myself after gorging last night, but I feel like running this morning before a shower helped me perk up a bit, and not feel so bad. I then came to work and had my healthy lunch and I will go to the gym tonight to get in some more cardio!

I read that cardio is the best way to thin out your legs and lose weight. I do add some weight training but not a lot yet as I am just trying to start this healthy lifestyle.

I also talked to my teammate and she is considering doing the paleo diet for a while. She and I have a friend who is doing it, and she is doing really well with it. Not so much for weight loss although she has lost weight, but as a lifestyle change to get more energy, without cutting calories, but it still cuts out refined carbs and sugar, which are the culprits anyway.

Not sure how I feel about trying it. I am eating whole wheat carbs and doing okay... so maybe I will consider it for a while, but for long term I don't think it sounds great.

Scavenger Hunt!

I was so nervous all day Saturday, partly because I was doing a scavenger hunt with a bunch of people I didn't know, but also because it was more of a dare challenge and I was nervous to act crazy and silly in front of people. It actually ended up not being so scary, and my team was amazing, they were all willing to do silly things, and we did come in second, but if we get the same team next year I am sure that we will win. Stephanie and I were under the misconception that you could not plan ahead, which apparently you could... so we are totally bringing it next year, and will take home a trophy!

I was pleased with my weigh in yesterday, any loss is a good loss... I am just ready to start making more progress. I am going to keep up the diet even though I am not required to. I brought my lunch today, and I am having a protein packed day! I brought Greek yogurt and a hard boiled egg for breakfast, turkey sausage leftovers and sauerkraut for lunch, and dinner will be a salad with a protein tonight. It has to be.

I am going out with Melissa, so no beer for me, but I will have My teammate there to keep me under control!

This weekend I need to get my paint on and work on my house some. I was embarrassed to have people come over. I need to clean and get things taken care of. SOON! It will be my birthday present to myself.

Sick day

I am so exhausted from going non-stop this weekend, but I did do my weigh in today, and I was at 158... Which is down 1.5 pounds from last week, which is great I am really happy with that.

I woke up this morning, and just the massive headache I had and stopped up sinuses I knew work would not happen. I just really needed to rest. I woke up, called in, fed the cat and did a few chores and the next thing I knew I had fallen asleep in front of the TV for two hours. I didn't mean to do that, but I know when I do that means I was actually really tired.

I did a short workout, but tried not to strain myself. I am absolutely loving my new running shoes.

I still need to go to the grocery store to buy some healthy groceries. The diet is over next Sunday so only one more week left, but I really want to keep losing weight so though I may add back in diet coke more than twice a week, I will certainly keep up bringing my healthy lunches, and not eating out a lot. I am really benefitting from saving money. And I want to finish painting my house for my birthday coming up.

I made a success wall that has a countdown from 159 to 120... I think right now my goal is 150 ( lose 8 more pounds) and then my goal will be 140 ( a healthy BMI). 130 was what I was in college so that might be difficult, but I have always wondered what it would be like to be 120. I can hardly imagine it. I am sure the last time I weighed that little was 6th grade.

I have wide hips, so I will always have a womanly shape and never will I be a size 0 but I can imagine what 120 would be like.... can't I?

I am only 5'3 so that is still a healthy BMI. I might be to muscular to do that, but right now I will worry only about being 150. Right now my BMI is 28. and if I was 120 my BMI would be 21. anything under 19 is too low for a BMI so I am still right in the middle.

I can do this. I am trying to stay positive and put healthy vibes out there.

Proud

Sorry I missed my update yesterday but I was not actually home at all yesterday.

 

Saturday, I got up early for Church Play rehearsal, then went straight to lunch with my family since my sister came up with her adorable family ( yeah twin nephews!) and then I headed out to Morrisville to participate in an adult scavenger hunt, which I think my team ended up in second place! It was so much fun but I did not get home until 1am and then I went straight to bed to get up for the early service today at church to watch the kids perform Its Cool in the Furnace for the Church congregation. (they also did the second service too).

 

I was just the stage manager/ kid wrangler but it was such a fun experience, and I had a blast working with the kids and getting to know them.

They did amazing at both services. I laughed and cried and I was just so proud of all of their hard work. To think that they almost missed out on the opportunity to share it with the church. I wish they had done a church play when I was younger. A few years ago they did Jonah and the Whale, and now the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego... these stories will never leave the kids. On top of it they got to share with the older adults, and did a great job.

 

It has been a lot of work, and now after next week my Sunday nights will be free. I know I will enjoy some spare time on Sundays, but I will miss seeing the smiles on the kids faces and getting sweet sweet hugs from them each Sunday night! I get to see them next week. I think we are having a party for them (woo cast party!) next week. Poor Trey was sad we didn't have a meeting tonight. I think the adults needed a break! haha. I felt so much joy watching how excited they were and how proud they were. It was a very mama hen moment for me. Maybe I do want kids someday... I don't know. It seems like such a crazy prospect!

 

I will write more about the scavenger hunt next time.

5 K Prep...and go.

So I may have actually let someone convince me to run a 5K in June. It is towards the end of June, and it is Late April now, so I might just have enough time to train so I don't actually come in last place. Although 3.1 miles is not too bad, it will be weird to be training for something considering I am not really a runner. Like at all. In fact I think I am sort of crazy to attempt this, but it should be good fun to see if I can do it.

Plus it will keep me up with exercise as the game on diet will be over in a little over a week. It is a four week challenge, but honestly I really like packing my lunches and bringing healthy options. I am saving money and I am losing weight so it is a win win.  I am actually going to the gym.

I feel like I always get motivated in the summer to work out. In the winter I just want to hibernate, which is bad for me, but I just like being inside and warm.

Also starting to make plans for my 29th birthday. Next year at thirty is going to be tough, but I find odd years tend to treat me better than even. So here's to an incredible life changing 29!

My sister and her family are coming up to Raleigh to stay with my parents for a night. I am so excited to see the babies. I hope they are on time so I can catch a glimpse. I never get to go up to see them because of my demanding work schedule, but the babies and I share a birth month, so I will def get to see them in May! They turn 2. Oh my goodness I am so old! HAHA.

The chocolate cake incident

So I made a relatively healthy choice for my "free dinner" last night.

I did have a burger, but I got a side of mashed sweet potato instead of fries. I don't really crave fries that much. I don't even really like them, I am usually just too lazy to look at the other side options and pick something different. Normally I would get a side salad, but they didn't have it. So I got the mashed sweet potato... which ended up being delicious and a great choice.

The Burger was perfect, I didn't have to get the whole wheat bun, I just had it on a regular bun, and I got to drink diet coke... which is my favorite and not allowed on the diet. It was a great meal... and then the desert menu happened.

I usually don't get desert in restaurants. I am too cheap, and I try to keep some mini candy bars or Hershey kisses at home, so if I need chocolate I have some on hand. Unfortunately with the diet, I don't have any chocolate because it is not allowed.

I was not going to get desert but then another girl on the diet got one, and I just suddenly was CRAVING chocolate.. I mean crazy craving it. I realized I had not had chocolate since the diet started and suddenly it was the only thing I wanted despite being somewhat full ( not uncomfortable full, but knowing that I didn't need a full piece of cake.) But I got it anyway. I realize now when I see other people doing it, I feel like it is okay for me to do... and that is not always the case. Some other people are not on diets, and I really pushed the limits of my stomach capacity with that cake. I could not physically finish it, and I literally had to throw my napkin over it. I mean it was delicious and perfect and I probably should have stopped after a few bites, but my cheap side took over and if I pay 5 dollars for a frigging piece of cake, I feel obligated to eat the entire thing. Which didn't happen because I felt ILL.. ILL I SAY! I thought I was going to throw up.

My stomach must have shrunk some... but going home that night, even though it was my free meal, and I don't lose any points for the diet game I really regretted my decision to do that. I just kept thinking about how to burn the calories, but it was hard to even want to move when I got home.

It was like the Gods KNEW I would overindulge, and when I got home the workout videos I ordered last week had arrived on my doorstep. How convenient.

As I was reading through the materials with the videos it had a section for "tips when eating out". I had to laugh because it said " Don't even look at the desert menu"... Ahhh if only that had been delivered before I left to go to Trivia!

Oh well, It happened, I need to bounce back and regain the confidence and happiness I had at the beginning of the week. One bad meal is not going to completely kill all the progress I have made, just like one healthy meal is not going to make me svelte and thin. I have to keep things in perspective.

For your consideration.

So this cracked me up on Pinterest today. I mean I doubled over laughing, and then I realized... He is doing better than me. I have never signed up for a 5k or any race for that matter. Maybe that is something I should do. Even if I just walk it, it will be for a good cause, and can't hurt my weight loss goals! Something to consider doing in the near future.

So I finally made those cilantro lime tilapia tacos. I forgot to mention how delicious they were. I also ended up having a ton of black beans and corn left over, so I made a leftover concoction and added some tofu, taco seasoning, diced tomatos and green beans (just because) and ended up with a Delicious chili! The only problem is I have no idea how many calories are in it because I have no idea what a "serving size would be". I suppose I could add up all the calories and then divide it by how many servings I get out of it, but that seems too easy... I am not a math person by trade.

I brought some for lunch today, and I am planning to go out to dinner with friends tonight and have my free meal. I am scared though. What if this meal derails all the success I had last week. I also have my free day planned for Saturday but I am not sure how well that will go. I am supposed to eat a donut from Krispy Kreme on Saturday as part of the scavenger hunt/ dare challenge, but I know how long I will have to work out in the gym to cover it, so I will make sure I work out hard Thursday, Friday and Sunday to compensate for the bad days. I know I should not have so much anxiety about free meals and days and such, but I can't help it. That first week only losing .5 pounds was traumatizing. I don't want to let my team down. I am far to competitive, really but I also like seeing the results. I have had people comment that I look thinner, and that whatever I am doing is working. Plus the energy I have is amazing.

I am going to leave trivia tonight and go home and get in my workout and shower before bed, I don't want to miss out. I may try to do a small short workout video before I leave for trivia with friends but I have no idea how much time I will need to dress up for afterward. Ohhh dear. So much social anxiety. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I was just a friendless hermit who did nothing and stayed at home to work out, but between family, friends and overtime at work, I will never have a free evening. NEVER!

Stressed out.

Today really feels like a Monday. I can't seem to get anything done. The phone is ringing, I have the impending knowledge of future days when I clearly won't get any work done because I will have to cover for our ever sickly receptionist.

I just get so frustrated because if left to my own devices I could actually get work done. But she won't come to work, so therefore I have to cover for her. It isn't fair, because when I am missing work to do her work, nobody is picking up the slack for me, nobody helps me. And they should not have too, if she is not well enough to work 40 hours she should not be working a job that requires her to do that.

Thankfully she is changing positions, and then she will be the back up receptionist, so I won't have to do it come July. I am so ready for July to get here, but not really because I need all the time possible to finish my files for July. Crazyness.

I am stressed... and some jerk face ( who is probably someone really thoughtful) brought Krispy Kreme donuts to work today, and I can't have one because I am not allowed sugar on the game one diet.. AND not to mention the fact that each donut is 400 calories on its own. ( Well I am sure they are at least... and that is what I am telling myself) do I really want to do 40 minutes on the elliptical just for a donut... when you measure out your time in exercise for a small carby filled sugar fest, it really doesn't seem worth it.

But all the same, I am stressed, and have visions of opening the box and finishing what is in there. Not going to waste a free meal on it. Not worth it. I will eat my protein shake, and apple, and be content.

Weigh in #2

I felt great this morning, I woke up and didn't even need to hit the snooze button. I got to sleep on time, and I avoided unhealthy food yesterday. I did my workout and made all 5 of my healthy small meals count. I was a bit hungry when I went to bed, but that is okay. I worked hard, and this morning I woke up and weighed 2.5 pounds less than I did this time last week. I like to think I was supposed to lose one pound last week and two this week, but because my hormones were so crazy that I got it this week.
Such Amazing motivation to keep going. I was meticulous with my calories and I stayed on top of  pumping up my exercise. I really worked to make sure I was getting my heart rate up and mixing up intervals as well as gym vs. outside.

With all the pollen NC is being attacked with, I am liking my indoor workouts too. I have dug up some of my old school workout videos, which are kicking my butt now since it has been so long since I actually did most of them.

Bad news is that my teammate had a weight gain of .4. I felt bad for her, but she knows where she went wrong. She did drink alcohol, and she knows she has trouble losing when she drinks. At the start of the game she had said she was not going to, but ended up drinking twice this week... Well the fun of the game on diet is that now she has lost all alcohol privileges for the rest of the game, which I feel bad and good about at the same time. She knows that is a trouble spot, but she will definitely benefit from not drinking for the next two weeks. In true team solidarity I have decided not to drink anymore either. I know it will benefit me, and I did have some cider on friday with my friends, but clearly I should have only ordered one, but I fall to peer pressure just like everyone else, and I was tired and thirsty and it was so delicious. But I think it will be better for me to just drink water!

And keep an eye on that teammate of mine. The other team, both of the girls also lost 2 pounds each this week. So there is no reason My team won't have a perfect week this next week.
I am certain that I can keep this up. I am saving money and enjoying the happiness that doing something for myself is bringing me. I am totally positive today. I need to learn to live this way, just like I feel in this moment right now!

Patience is a beautiful thing

I love working with children. They are so funny, and have such a different perspective on life than I would now as an adult.  I volunteer with my church and I am having such a good time helping with the church musical that all the k-5th graders are working on. Tonight things really started coming together, which seems to have taken a long time to feel that way.

They all knew their lines, most of their cues and did really well with the songs and solos. We have been nurturing them all year and working with them, to have patience with themselves. I love when they finish a hard monologue and look to me as the stage manager and I smile and nod to them to validate "Yes, you did such a good job!"

I love the smiles and happy skip in their steps when they feel like they have done a good job. It comes so naturally to me to encourage others, I think something I want to work on is encouraging myself.

I need that inner voice that talks to me to have the same love and encouragement that I would say to those fragile children who are trying to figure out their place in the world. If I told a child " well that was bad, you suck at that" they would never want to be in a musical again, but yet when I fail to complete a move properly during a workout that is exactly what I say to myself. Granted I am an adult, but my inner voice should love myself as much as I care for those special children at church.

Its amazing to think how differently I would feel about myself if I tried to use a loving voice to replace the voice of disdain that I usually use for myself.

I vow to be patient with myself tomorrow. I know it is the weigh in, and if I can lose a pound I will promise to be happy and congratulate myself. I will use a loving voice in my head all day, even if I don't meet my goal!

New hobby?

 I went to watch my friend in her Aerial Silks show. It was AMAZING, and I wish I had enough upper body strength to do that. They hang there an do these incredibly difficult looking poses.

They all were so in shape, I was super jealous of all their bodies. Watching the show made me want to get in shape so I could do that class too... and then I thought, I should just do it now, and maybe it will get me in shape. I spend so much time wanting to be thin so then I can do things, but why wait. I need to live my life now.  This could be my new hobby. I know my friend would love me to join her class. Or maybe the class with the hula hoops!

 

I then went to dinner and drinks with my friends, and this was the first time I had been challenged. I had my free meal, so I had a pear cider and a brat on a bun. I tried to get veggies in the sauerkraut, protein in the brat, and carb in the bun. I ate most of it but left some on the plate. I also made sure to savor the cider. It was a hard cider, but I didn't want to get a beer because I feel so bloated when I drink those, and cider was more fruity!  ( does that count as my fruit?!?!?!?!)

 

But I had a good time, and I didn't go overboard and get the nachos even though that is what I wanted. I can still make healthy choices.

 

I got up today and did some exercise, I dug up my old school Hip hop abs dvds. It is with Shaun T... the same guy who now does the Insanity workout. That looks crazy hard to me so I like the dancing ones better. I did the full body burn routine today. it was 40 minutes and I was sweating within the first 10 minutes. I felt that burn.

 

I like the mix up my work outs... I think My teammate is going to come over later and we will walk the trail outside. There is so much pollen out, which is gross but it is so nice out now, spring is pretty much here. I gotta enjoy it before the humid crazy hot summer gets here.

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The "Official" start over.

Why does it seem like Mondays are the perfect day to start over, or start a new diet.

I mean it is the start of a new week, but everyone who gives up on Friday spends the rest of the weekend as if calories don't count despite us knowing darn well that they do!

I am collecting quotes for my success wall, and I liked one I found the other day.

"Tired of starting over, stop giving up". This rings true to me, because so many times it is easier to sucumb to old habits, and stop caring, and just do what is easy instead of sticking to your diet even though you are missing out on stuff... But regardless of how you spend the time, it will still pass, and then when Monday FINALLY rolls around you wasted so much time. You wish you had spent it doing something healthy for yourself, and instead of being happy, you are filled with regret.

I know that feeling too well.

I was talking with my teammate and she was saying how she waited too long and ate ice cream, but that she could count it as her free meal and it would not effect her points in the game, but if she took the hit and missed the 6 points she would not have to wait till monday. Monday is essentially when she gets to start over. I like it and hate it at the same time. Mostly because it is weigh in day, and all I want is to have lost more than 1/2 a pound, but you start the cycle over of living for your free day. I am not much a fan of the free day because I have managed to waste mine and ended up only taking a free meal. I like to eat healthy at work, it helps me stay focused and frankly I have achieved more work in the last two weeks of being on this diet than I have in a long time.

I have mixed feelings. I feel like the diet is not that demanding ( in fact I actually really enjoy eating produce every day! I feel better, honest!) I just might integrate diet coke back in, but just one a day!

Off to Pinterest to collect more Healthy inspiration for my success wall!

Love yourself and the rest will follow.

I am going to make a success wall. Maybe... I started a project with my teammate for the game on diet, well before we even decided to do this healthy venture.

We made posters that said " Love yourself and the rest will follow" and I really feel like that should be my mantra for 2013. I did not love myself in 2012. In fact it is pretty evident, I didn't love anything about myself in 2012. I really think I forgot how to love. I looked in the mirror and I was angry. I was angry about my failed relationship, I was angry I let myself go towards the end. And I was angry about my life.  I was angry about my father being sick, I was angry that my relationships were not as good as they could be and most of all I was angry at my inability to enjoy life. It was so much anger, and when I left a relationship in June I tried not to look back. I tried to focus on me, which I didn't do at all. I replaced that relationship with new friends, new habits and just about any other distraction out there. I didn't deal with my anger, or my sadness. I didn't want too.

I lost my best friend, and the boy who I thought would be my husband someday in what is possibly the longest break up of all time. I think him finally starting to date another girl right in front of my face was the kicker... and I thought we would get back together, but after one final humiliating "date" with him, his choice was clear, and mine had to be as well. It was hard, even now, almost a year later I still feel that pain behind my eyes and the throb in my neck holding back tears I refuse to cry... at least not cry at work.... on my lunch break.

I do cry though...especially lately. I have been staying in more, to resist temptation... and sitting alone in my house with only my thoughts,  I can release, and I am not ashamed. I do still love him, but I wonder now if I was in love.  I feel like I should have had a successful relationship with someone else by now, but I just can't get past the fact that I just knew he would never hurt me, and he did. But was it really his fault? I stayed. I let him use me, and take me for granted. In reality I hurt me, because I stayed in a relationship that I got nothing out of. I think it was so difficult for me because I truly loved his family so much... but in staying for people who were not in the relationship I hurt me more than he ever did, and that is a hard realization to think about.

Soul Searching hurts man... it hurts bad.

I write in another more personal journal, I did all last summer, but I don't think I faced the facts of the changes I forced upon my own life.

I am trying to change that, one day at a time.

Guilty

Self control sometimes seems like a foreign concept to me. I am selfish by nature, not meaning to be all the time... I mean I love to do things for others, and I volunteer, but at my core, I sometimes feel so selfish.

You would think though, I would not find it so difficult to carve out a space of time for myself, and really take care of myself. It isn't selfless to put yourself last, it's stupid.

Growing up in the south in a Christian home, I was always taught to do things for others. I was taught to hold doors, bring pies to the new neighbors, and to always try to be respectful and helpful to my elders... But what about me.

In all this giving, I sometimes feel guilty because it is not always returned... I know shocker right... we don't live in a perfect universe where people always treat others the way they want to be treated, but don't you have to start treating yourself right first. If you don't treat yourself right, why should anyone else.

They say we are always quick to point out the flaws in other which are really flaws in ourselves... and I know I can pick out my own flaws... But sometimes I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. When I am quick to get judgmental I know I can be a hypocrite sometimes. Maybe not in the same way but in other aspects of my life.

A lot is being asked of me right now... and I have to make a place to still treat myself right. It is a very hard thing to admit you have a problem, and even harder to ask for help, especially when you are used to being the one that others turn to when they have problems. It's an awkward position.

No shoulder to cry on except your own, no ears to listen except for yours, and no point of view to change your mind.

I have to stop feeling guilty for wanting to do things, and not wanting to do things. The close inspection of my life thus far is difficult, but worth doing because clearly what I have been doing has not been working. I fail when I fail to stay true to myself. I just need to stick to what I know works, and do that. Stop trying to let others dictate me. Stop trying to please others and try to please myself for once.

I just ate my free day lunch meal, and it was delicious... but I feel sick now, and I don't know if it is because I really am not adjusting well to the greasy food, or if it is guilt, but it makes me NOT want to do this anymore. I was supposed to enjoy this, and I am not. I am not enjoying it at all.

This is the sign I need and the kick in the stomach ( because it literally feels like I have been kicked in the stomach) to get my life in order. Cut out what I don't want, and include the things that make me happy. I HAVE to do it this time. No turning back. No more mandatory free meals... I should just take them when I crave them, and not when I plan them.

Making Excuses.

So since the trauma of the .5 weight loss yesterday, I have set myself even more firm in my resolution to try even harder this week and really lose weight this week.

I have been even more meticulous with my calories, and I am bumping up my cardio. I can make every excuse in the book, but I know I may guess on calories or not push myself in my workouts or think... "It's that time of the month so my hormones are crazy and I am retaining water". But at the end of the day ... or perhaps the week, the scale does not lie. It shows my free meals, it shows my workouts where I didn't run and just walked in my comfort zone. It tells the truth.

I have to be firm in my resolve. I have so many factors in my life that are stressing me out. I am dealing with family issues right now, Work is killing me and my friends are demanding time I don't have. I need to carve a space for myself. I need a zen night. I wish I didn't feel obligated to so many things, and people and not myself.

I also feel like I am getting sick... and when I am sick I want nothing more than to curl up and sleep. Maybe this is my body's way of giving out since I have done nothing but push myself since January.

I do too much, this is obvious... but I don't know how to not. Life happens whether I am ready for it or not. I need to be better about time management.

I will go to the gym tonight, and I will push myself. Get that heart rate going, and I will stick to a healthy dinner! Tuesday is for me.

Time to Buckle Down

I weighed in this morning. I was not happy. Just going to say that off the bat! I am not happy at all.

I worked out so hard this weekend, and purposefully avoided some situations where I knew I would be tempted to eat or drink... and after a week of being meticulous with my meals, I only lost half a pound.

I know I should be be happy that I had a loss, and that I am better off than I was over a week ago, but I just really wanted to have some kind of validation that I was on the right track. I wanted to see it on the scale. Maybe I tripped myself up by starting my diet a week before everyone else, because if I think about it, I was 166.5 and now I am 162 even, so I have technically lost 4.5 pounds in two weeks.

I know that is better than average for weight loss, but I get so motivated with the early loss that to not have a big loss the second week in, it is very frustrating.

I am not going to stop though. The other team lost 8 pounds total... and my team lost 1.5 ( so my partner only lost 1 pound) Granted our total weight is not as high as the other teams, but still percentage wise we got our butts handed to us. I am super competitive and I HATE losing. HATE IT. So I am planning to go to the gym tonight and work out HARD. and then come home and prepare a healthy dinner full of veggies, lean protein and just a few carbs.

I hope I am not retaining water because it is a certain week of the month... ahem ahem.... so maybe that will not stand in my way this week.

On the bright side. I do have more energy, I am sleeping better and my face is clearing up a little bit because of all the water... so I am happy about some of the results, and I am noticing that my tummy is starting to go down just in the slightest. I always can tell a diet is working when my clothes start hanging nicer. Hopefully this will continue and I will have a successful week. I am trying very hard to not let this bring me down.

Working on me is hard but I know the end results will allow me to lead a longer and healthier life.

Best purchase of my adult life.

I feel like somehow every road in my city leads to a Target. I love Target. I am sure if I calculated out my monthly Target donation I would be embarrassed of how large the percentage of my pay check it would end up being.

But I find everything I want in one fabulous store. and even find things I didn't even know I wanted.

Aside from the super cute pewter sandals and counter wipes, I purchased a smoothing blender tonight. It was only $20 and I can tell you right now, it was $20 well spent.

I just got back from play rehearsal with the kids at my church,  and they had pizza for dinner, which is so not on my diet... Luckily they had carrots and bananas and grapes, which were ok, so I ate some of those, but I was really wanting dinner... So I came home and I was much too tired after my excursion out to Target so really I just wanted to drink my final meal of the day. I threw in some frozen strawberries, a banana, a half cup of Greek yogurt, whey protein, and some water to thin it out... this is by far the best invention of the last century... Omg delicious.

I can see myself preparing smoothies all summer now!

I went to a cookout for a little while this afternoon, and I could only stay for an hour but I had a good time playing a game out in the sun! It was amazing. They had so much bad food, but I stayed true to the diet. Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I really want to have met my goal. If I could be 160.5 I will be so happy! I am ready to shed this weight. I was holding my 5 pound weight, and tried to imagine 6 of them falling off my body. I know 30 pounds is a realistic goal but I know it is going to take a lot of energy and work to get there. Maybe I should finish up this smoothie, prepare my lunch for tomorrow tally up my score sheet and walk on my treadmill a bit before bed.

I have clothes to fold too so this can be a productive night since I actually have three hours before I need to go to sleep!

I hope this week was a successful week on the diet, but I will be sure to update tomorrow with the status of my weight loss! Wish me luck!

Saturday Reflection.

Today I really wanted to take a nap.... Like I was exhausted, I had woken up early (even though I did get my 7 hours of sleep) and usually I allow myself to sleep late on the weekends, but with so much to do ( because I constantly over commit myself) I just wanted to be lazy. It was also a problem because I had not gotten my exercise for the day so I knew I had to do twenty minutes.

I texted my teammate and she was supportive and great. She told me to go work out and just pace myself, I ended up doing over 5 miles. I felt reinvigorated and energized after it too, Plus it was such a beautiful day today and I got to go outside and really enjoy the weather. I was not the only one. I saw so many other people riding bikes, running and walking on the lake trail. I felt really proud to be part of the healthy community in my city.

Any other Saturday I would have taken and nap and then gone out drinking. I have not had any alcohol in over two weeks, and frankly I don't even miss it. I like a good beer now and then, and maybe on my birthday I will indulge but for now, I don't want to drink my calories and carbs. I would rather have a delicious salad with tomato, or a soymilk protein shake. They say it takes 30 days to create a new habit so I am halfway to that goal of eating more healthy choices.

The hardest part of the diet is that I can't weigh myself. Only once a week on the weigh in day. I really hate that. I either weigh myself every day or no at all ( depending if I am dieting or not... if not I try NOT to check it) but weighing once a day is something I did to gauge if I was sticking to the diet and achieving my goals. At this point I don't know how my "status" is and I want to ensure that I do meet my weight goal.

I try to do crunches each night, and weights with jumping jacks. I hope it is enough. I am interested to see how the two teams end up doing. It should be exciting!

Healthy Alternatives to Homicide.

This is not really me, but I am pretty sure I made this face three times this morning. Well maybe not outwardly but this is definitely what was going on internally. See I have what one would call a flaky co-worker... Basically when she decides to not come to work I have to cover for her. I used to do her job, and I trained her in it, and frankly I hear all the time how people wish I would continue to do it, but the pay scale leaves much to be desired and frankly I enjoy my higher up position much more... But the problem for me, is I can NEVER DO MY WORK. She has literally not been at work for a full week in several months. I am not going to go into the reasons why she has been missing so much work ( she is not actually sick as far as I can tell, or the masses of doctors that she goes to on a regular basis) But when she goes I get stuck with her work. Nobody covers for me and does my work while I do this. I am expected to make that up on my own time. ( aka I work over time but don't get PAID overtime)

So I knew she was not going to come in today. I knew it yesterday afternoon as she hobbled around pretending her back was killing her. Our Boss, who has an actual back injury, has made more of an effort to come in this week. But yesterday I heard her say to our boss " Gee I think that back pain is CONTAGIOUS, HAHAHAHA"... (she laughs like an idiot)

....

Really.. a physical ailment from another person is contagious? This is back pain... not the flu or a cold, this is NOT contagious... just stop before I murder you ( PS. I would never really murder someone... just possibly punch them in the throat so they shut up and don't say stupid things like that) 

So she called in sick today.

I covered for her all last week while she was on vacation and now she needs a sick day on friday, the one day I can do my filing... I am getting some work done, but her job requires that I answer the phone, so that is complicating things. Mostly because it won't stop ringing.

I am angry today. I want nothing more than to go into the break room and cut off a huge chunk of the red velvet cake left over from a previous birthday party this week, or to pick up a diet soda. What I really need to do is be able to go to the gym and lift weights, or get on a treadmill and run my anger away. But I stuck at this desk answering this phone, and trying to hold out till my weekend begins. It doesn't make the situation better that I am actually getting sick, but I can't take a sick day because I have to get work done.

I wish I could drop everything and take out my stress and anger another way, but for now, I am sipping water and trying to make the best of the situation.

Dancing on my own

I had lunch with one of my longest greatest friends yesterday. She is truly truly amazing.  I may not get to see her as often as I would like, but she is the most level headed person I know, she is hilarious and she dispenses rock solid advice .

She told me to cut the crap, and get right with myself. THEN and only then would I be ready for a relationship.

She knows me fairly well since we have been friends since 10th grade in high school and she would never steer me wrong. She has the life I want. She is happily married, educated and has a successful buisness she herself created. When she Blogs people actually listen! haha. But she also told me that having dated a boy that I thought I was going to marry, and only just recently not hearing from him (though we have been broken up almost a year, despite him returning several times and awkwardly proposing marriage), it is time to give myself a chance to actually get over the trauma of 2012. A fresh start, and it is hard to focus on ME, when I am trying to make other people that I hardly know happy.

Poor little dude from OkCupid...

I have disabled my profile in hopes that maybe someday I will be back to find love ( maybe this summer or next fall) and I am going to only do things I want to do this spring season. I had this Yes Man quality for the last part of last year where if I was invited I went. I wanted to make new friends and do new things... but that can be tiring after a whiel. I will only see people I want to see. I am not really ready for a relationship or I would be way more excited at the prospect that a really great guy wanted to spend time with me. I find it all so time consuming... I just can't get into it. I find that it is harder to give my heart away so maybe I should just keep it for now and be really ready later one. It is scary, you know? I guess I needed more time than I thought.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcNo07Xp8aQ

Free day? What do you say?

So the great thing about the game on diet is that you don't have to be perfect all day everyday, because that is not how people live life. People have parties that include cake, Offices order out for their workers for pulling a few extra hours, and sometimes you just really crave that Chick-fila sandwich.

This I have a really difficult time with. I struggle with my perfectionism on a daily basis. I feel like eating out is cheating, but the game on diet builds it into the program because it is a lifestyle change. Each day I can have 100 calories of something bad, so I can use real cream in my coffee, or if someone has a birthday at work, I can have two small bites of cake that would equal 100 calories so I can join in the office fun. Each week also has one free meal, where you can eat anything you want, but it has to be confined to the two hour time limit to eat your food. so I can't go out to dinner and stay and drink wine for three hours afterwards ( even though I may want too). But should that opportunity arise, you have a whole free day, so you don't have to drink all your water or exercise and you can go out to eat for every meal! ( though I don't think I want to do that right before the weigh in day)

I guess life isn't perfect and I don't have to be either.

Last night after a 4.75 mile walk I didn't give into temptation and go to Chick-fila with my teammate. She took her free meal last night for dinner, but it was well played in that she kept is light and just had the sandwich and a few fries. Actually it is pretty smart to not take it on the weekends because one crazy weekend eating day can derail a successful week of healthy eating.

is it bad the only reason I want to take a free meal is so I can have a diet coke with my lunch. I miss it so much. I know it is not healthy for me with all the chemicals, but I used to have a pretty bad habit of at least 5 or 6 a day. I got it down to one over the past few months, and I have not had any since Sunday. Granted it is only Wednesday , but that is a huge victory for me!

I think I am saving my free day till Friday... but I am still going to try to have healthy choices, i just might have some diet coke... just saying.

I have to go to an appointment tonight so I have to make sure I do my Jillian Michaels video when I get home and take a quick shower so I am not smelly for it! Getting in that exercise. Scoring all my points! This blog counts too! Journal time is part of my healthy habit!

Day 2 - the lessons learned from 100oz of water.

I am taking a small break at work to do this entry, I have been working fairly diligently all day so during my lunch break I am going to take my twenty minutes to reflect and write.

One of the best purchases I have made recently were two maxi dresses. they are so comfortable, I may never want to wear pants again. I hated my legs so I never wanted to wear skirts or short dresses, but the long dress that covers everything is comfy and work appropriate. Of course I feel like most of my pants are too tight right now so to be free under my dress is great, and since part of the game on diet requires that you drink 100 ounces of water it makes going to the bathroom SUPER fast, which by the way, when you drink that much water at work, you literally have to go every hour on the hour like clockwork... old faithful if you will... but I am getting through it.

You are also supposed to have 5 small meals a day, and I am working on my third one of the day, a grilled turkey substitute  patty on whole wheat bread with some guacamole and veggies. Can I just say the 100 calorie Wholly Guacamole individual packets are my favorite thing right now.

I love avocado as I have expressed multiple times in this blog though it is still very new, and it is great to grab some cucumbers, green peppers and celery to dip in it, and use a portion to spread on my sandwich. Amazing. I highly recommend it.

So I probably should have taken a before picture, since the ones on my computer are long gone after the lovely crash of October, but here is one I found from my previous travels in Korea. It makes me sad.

I need to lose the extra thirty pounds and tone up quite a bit. I will work on getting another true before picture. I am about the same size now as when this picture was taken, but I actually lost quite a bit of weight when I returned, only to gain most of it back in a few months of unrelenting holiday food and excessive partying on my part.  I am not proud, in fact I was not even really happy. I was just trying to fill the space, fill the empty, because honestly there are alot of things missing in my life.

I am working slowly to get things back together, I bought a yoga mat yesterday! Wooooo.

So for Monday, the first day I managed to get all of my points accounted for, and I even went out to dinner (for free) at trivia. I am staying in tonight, and I think my teammate is going to come over and we are going to go for a walk around a nearby lake and talk. I need to find more activities to do with friends that do not revolve around food.  I am going to have to have a stern talking to my mother as well. I feel like I need to be more in control of myself, my food and my time. As I am trying to follow this plan I see how I let others dictate ( not that they knowingly do so) my life. I need to be able to stand up for myself and say no, or find other activities to do with people that are not food centric. I associate going out with a big pasta dinner and glass of wine as fun with my friends but we could just as easily go for a walk or to a museum or movie... I need to move away from food and move toward more activity based outings. I have a hard time saying no, and even harder time being the only person eating a salad.

I am a people pleaser and that has to stop, I need to be an Ali Pleaser, because if I am not, who will be?

First official day

This has been a very easy day because I am off work today for the Easter holiday ( had to work good Friday so this is making up for it) But I was able to get my 7 hours of sleep, prepare all my meals and get in a good workout. I also was not tempted to spend money on food although I am going out to dinner tonight but it is free.

I have been attending a trivia night with my new friend and he is super smart so he wins for our team each week and we actually won first place last week and got $50. I invited some of my friends but I don't know how many more weeks I can keep this up. I realized today that I miss my alone time. I don't know what it is like to have a full day to myself where I can do all my errands and workout and not worry about having to be somewhere. I am skipping trivia on Tuesday because I really want to make those tilapia tacos. I have had three small meals today according to my diet so I can have a salad and water tonight for dinner... which is why I have to bring two friends because I will barely break  $10. and we have to spend $50. This should be interesting.  I know my best friend will make good conversation. I feel so badly because I don't want to go . I just want to be at home. I have to stand up for myself. and I need to make time for myself.

I am doing my twenty minute journal time right now, I have not given my teammate my blog yet but I am sure she will find it.

Our team name is The Walking Skinny!  I am  busy filling out my score card for the day, so far this has been a really successful day. I just need to get in my water and two more healthy small meals, so I can drink a protein shake when I get home. I bought some whey protein. it was actually not that bad. And it counts as a meal. and it was very filling.

Not too much else to update today. I go back to work tomorrow so I will have to prep my three small meals tonight to make at work tomorrow. One will def. be a protein shake, but the other two will be an issue.  We shall see what I come up with!

 I started this morning at 162.5... mostly because I ate terrible yesterday.  So at least I should be able to lose weight.  I am aiming to be 160.5 by the end of the week!

Late Sunday Post

So late, in fact, that it is already Monday. I seem to have this cool issue where I constantly overbook my time to the point, the only time I have to myself is at night before I go to bed. I love my busy life, and it keeps me interested and happy but I always cherish the time I have alone. I have always been a closet introvert. I love to be around people but I do recharge my batteries during my alone time.

This is something I need more of. Me time. Unfortunately this week that may not happen. I am going to have to prep lots of my lunches and breakfast meals, dinner may be a bit more difficult but as long as I get a salad with no dressing I should be okay, which I am fine with. 

I went walking along the tail near my house today and I really enjoyed it until it started raining, but I downloaded a cool app that will track any outdoor trails that I decide to do. It tells me how far, my pace and how many calories I burn.

I am excited about this new change, I have to get my score card ready because the GAME IS ON!

I weigh in tomorrow morning, and I can only weigh in on my weigh in days which is Monday morning. Should be interesting to see how this week goes, when I am really working and counting every bite I put in my mouth.

I have to spread 1200 calories between 6 meals. Ahhhh. crazy. I needed to buy a protein shake today but I don't know if that will happen till tomorrow. I want to go to whole foods too to see if I can find a few more healthy ingredients.

Tomorrow I make those tilapia tacos I promise to document them. And I may try out my new map my walk app! Cheers and Goodnight.

Fear with and a little self loathing

So a little more about me. I have been overweight most of my life, not like significantly but I feel like I have always had 10-30 pounds more weight on my frame than my friends. It also doesn't help that most of the people I hung out with growing up were sticks and possibly underweight so in comparison I seemed even bigger. And still to this day I have conversations with a girl at work who is significantly shorter and smaller than me, and her overweight weight is pretty much my goal weight. I guess everyone has body issues, I think she looks great, and she would be quick to say the same about me, but I know all my flaws without even looking.

So I guess if I could get to a place where I just felt good about myself. I know I will have to work darn hard at it, but I have done it in the past. In college I started my sophomore year at 130 and I was so happy in my skin. I worked hard over that summer and lost the freshmen 15 and then some so I know I am capable of hard work. I also know I can squeeze into a size six, which is really my goal. I know in my brain that the size doesn't matter as long as you look nice and feel healthy, but it is a mental thing I either need to accomplish work though at this point. That is what I am aiming for.

I think I have a distorted vision of my body. I never can tell how big I am compared to other people. I will think I am roughly the same size as someone and I will be told, no they are bigger than you, but I just don't see it. I feel like when I look at my arms and legs they sometimes look alright but when I look at them all together in the mirror they are much bigger. 

They say you fear the things you want most, and I have always wanted to feel thin, so maybe I am scared of it. Why though... why would I be so scared of the things I desire. Maybe I have a certain level of self loathing that won't allow it.

I went out to dinner with friends last night instead of making my tilapia tacos. I had gone to the gym long and hard and then had this moment of, I will have the entire month of April to make fish tacos... the avocados will hold another day, go enjoy yourself. So I did. Maybe my self loathing is what undermines my determination. Anyway I went and got a salad and Chicken Pad Thai.. and it was delicious. I enjoyed all that I could finish. I track my calories on my phone app and it said I still had three hundred calories ( I spent over an hour at the gym so I burned off pretty much everything I had eaten during the day) So I got a beer too. 1 bud light. and I felt SOOOOO guilty. I know I need to give up alcohol to lose weight, but I guess it was a bon voyage to the stuff. So I savored it as I won't really have an opportunity to drink another one before Monday.

I came home and in a moment of weakness I ate a 100 calorie skinny cow chocolate ice cream bar. Proof alcohol makes you make bad choices.  ( well not too bad) so I over slept this morning super late ... It was afternoon after all... and I went to the scale... and I was at 162. Go figure. I am keeping healthy today to try to maintain it, but I suppose your body wants you to have fun, in moderation.

Ah Moderation... that is going to be a lesson I have to learn over and over again I am sure.